A Tribute to My Brother Ryan, An Angel in Disguise
February 2, 2009 by fladlien
Filed under Uncategorized
My little brother Ryan passed on January 25th, at 6:55 am. I want to share with you his last few hours on earth because they were angelic, infused with love, and offered so much spiritual potency that I felt the deepest connection of love and God on this earth that I have ever experienced.
My brother was a very special little guy. I don’t think he was unhappy one day in his whole life – even after he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in July of 2008. And when it was time to go, he was prepared.
He went rather quickly. In fact, just three days before his death he went out to the grocery store, the toy store and other places. Because of chemotherapy, he couldn’t eat chocolate. Just last week I had eaten chocolate in front of him.
He had just gotten off of chemotherapy, and one of the things he wanted to do was to eat chocolate right in front of me!
I went down and seen his Friday. This was when he started to go down hill. He had mom call me earlier in the day because I wasn’t coming down until about 5 pm. He wanted me down sooner. I told him I’d come down earlier. Then mom called back and said “Ryan wants to know exactly when you’ll be down!”
He really wanted to see me. When I came down Friday, he was suffering a bit from headaches, but I figured it was just a minor illness and he’d get better. However, right before I got ready to leave, he got really sick. It was the first time my brother showed signs of losing his battle with cancer.
When he went to sleep, I left and cried for almost the whole 50 minute drive back home. I hated seeing him suffering.
Friday night before bed is when things got real bad for Ryan. He lost his ability to talk and swallow. However, his mind was 100% sharp, and he knew exactly what was going on around him.
I was planning on coming in early Saturday morning at 10 am, because that’s when the hospice nurse was coming. Again, we had no idea Ryan was going to go so quickly. When I got there and saw him, I immediately knew he was on his death bed.
It hurts seeing a child with so little energy that he could barely move. He couldn’t swallow, so all this phlegm was built up in his throat, and when he breathed it sounded like a coffee maker percolating. That sound haunted me for the first few hours.
The saddest part was that he couldn’t talk. He could only nod his head up and down for yes, or left and right for no. We asked if he was in pain. He shook his head no. The hospice nurse took his vital signs and they, too, indicated that he was without pain.
From the time I showed up at 10 am Saturday morning until he passed away early Sunday morning, I was right by his side. So was my mother and Ryan’s step father – he was surrounded by the three people he loved most in the world.
We took him to the hospital to get a line put in his arm, so we could administer his medication at home. A line is more permanent than an IV, you can keep it in for up to a year. We all hoped Ryan had at least another month or two, and was going to get better – but I know in the back of our minds we knew what was coming.
We took him home after the hospital and just sat there and talked to him, made his as comfortable as possible, and let him know we loved him and that whenever he was ready to go back home, it was alright with us. Suprisingly, Ryan still had a sense of humor.
I told mom that I would give him his medications through his line. I wanted her to be able to focus completely on him and giving him as much love and comfort as possible, so that’s why I stepped up. His medicine schedule was 7 pm, 1 am and 7 am.
Sometime after I gave him his medicines at 1 am, Ryan became very calm and relaxed, and looked completely at peace.
You could tell he wasn’t in pain. Nor was he in anxiety. This kid had made his peace with earth and was ready to go back home. I had been a monk for three years of my life, and I remember thinking as I watched him – he looks like a perfect yogi.
A perfect yogi is someone who is in complete control of their senses, to the point that they can decide when they want to leave their body. I had seen lots of picture of these yogis and had even met one before, and I noticed they all had a certain way about them… and Ryan had the same demeanor now.
The other interesting thing was Ryan had this black mark on his forehead. When he had brain surgery a few weeks back, they had to make marks for where to cut. Well, the mark on his forehead wouldn’t come off. And it was in an interesting shape – in the form of a tilaka.
In the spiritual path I followed, we used to decorate our bodies with a certain type of clay. We’d put a marking on our forehead, and this was called a tilaka. In one of the holy ancient Indian Vedic scriptures, it is said that someone who is decorated with the tilaka mark on their forehead at death goes directly to the highest of the spiritual worlds.
Ryan had the tilaka mark perfectly on his forehead.
My mother told me to go into the next room and take some rest so I would be fresh for giving Ryan his medicine at 7 am. So I managed to get about an hour or two of sleep. During that time, I had a dream where Ryan and I were walking up a mountain. I got to the top and looked back, and Ryan was running after me, laughing and with a big smile on his face.
I went into my brother’s room upon waking to talk to him a bit before giving him his medicine. My mom stepped out for a minute. You had to do that every so often or you’d drop from exhaustion. As soon as I came in, my brother started to go. It was like he had been waiting for me.
His step father was in the room with me, and he ran back out to get mom. For some reason, I was 100% calm. I grabbed Ryan’s hand and I told him I loved him and that it was okay for him to go back home, and that it was going to be alright, that everything was going to be alright. And I meant it, too!
He quit breathing. I was still holding his hand, and was looking him directly in the eyes. I told him I loved him and that everything was going to be alright over and over again.
His eyes moved momentarily and then locked directly on my own… he squeezed my hand… and then he passed on to the next world.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something. I look up out his window, and it had just began to snow. Big, half-dollar coin sized snow flakes, about two feet apart from each other. They looked like a million angels who were coming down to take Ryan home.
I looked back in Ryan’s now lifeless eyes and I noticed something else. For three weeks prior, Ryan’s left eye had slowly been going inward, and had become crossed. That’s one of the symptoms that’s associated with the type of tumor Ryan had.
Now, as I stared into his eyes, I noticed his eyes were perfectly straight.
I stepped back and looked at his body, and I could tell he went as peacefully as anyone could hope to go. He went as calm and as painless as anyone could go. And he was surrounded by the three people who loved him more than anything in the world, and whom he loved more than anything in the whole world.
Ryan was a very special boy. The way he left his body was so angelic, so beautiful, that it has held me together and kept me strong in this sad time.
We had Ryan’s pastor come in Saturday night when he was dying, and we all prayed. When she left, she told me she had never felt God’s presence so strongly before. Neither had I.
It is tragic to lose a loved one, especially a child. But I choose to be grateful for all that I have instead of be cross at what I don’t have. What I had was an angel in disguise for a brother. The most special person on this earth I have ever meant.
And if you ever get a chance to spend even one minute with such a special person, you’re very fortunate. I got 8 whole years – and I’m so grateful for it.
I love you Ryan.
-Jason Fladlien
In Memory of Ryan
THE RIVER OF LIFE
A painful loss can seem like the end of us. Some of us may feel as if we cannot
or do not want to live without this person. Life continues until our own end
comes. This is the cycle of life. This is the river of life.
In time, our painful losses will heal, just as a wound will heal. Experiencing tears
and grief will help us to heal. This helps us say goodbye and let go.
Grief cleanses our soul and frees us to move onwards to new dreams and goals.
On the other side of grief is freedom, dreams and life itself.
Devastating losses can bring us to our knees. We may feel broken from the loss
of someone close to us, but it need not be that way. Accepting our brokenness
opens us up to a new kind of wholeness. In time, we will be whole again.
With experience, we learn that pain and loss are a part of life. We must fully
accept pain and loss, and go deeply into it. This will help us to go through it and
come out the other side a stronger, more complete human being.
Change is also a major player in our lives. Most of us have fought against change
as if it were our personal enemy. We cannot stop change. We were all born and
we will all pass on one day.
The place a loved one had in our lives will never be filled, and need never be
filled. We can choose to live on with sweet, fond memories of those who have
moved onwards. We can choose to become closer to those we love and are still
with us.
We can choose to accept the flow of life, as if it were a river. A river never really
ends, it merely flows into the great expanse of life itself, the ocean. Think of
death as the next step of life. It is a transition to the heavens, to eternity, just as a river transitions to the ocean.
Prayer:
May we all grieve, heal and go forward, honoring the memories of those who
have meant so much to us. May we dream again, do our best, cherish those who
remain and live this awesome life to it’s fullest. Those who are no longer with us
would want nothing less for us.
Thank you for sharing the story of your brother. All of my sympathies to you and your family. Ryan was obviously very special, you were blessed to have known him, and had him as your brother.
I’m sorry man, It truly does suck when we lose a family member — I should know, I lost my mom was I was 13 and my BestFriend (like a brother) when I was 18. Ya never really get over it, you just got to move on with your life and remember them the best you can. But, with any luck, your brother is waiting for you in the afterlife and watching down on you until you arrive, just like my loved ones.
Hi Jason,
Hereby my sincere condolences to you, and your family, with the loss of your brother Ryan.
Although English is not my native language, I still felt that I needed to post a message as I am touched by your story.
I want to thank you and also complement you for being so open, and sharing this with the world, because it’s very personal and emotional.
Your brother Ryan was very special indeed.
For such a young child to go through what he went through, and still being able to accept the situation as he did and leave so peacefully is more than impressive.
Jason, I know that every loss, especially when it’s a child, is painful for the families and loved ones. But, believe me, no one feels it like a mother does.
You mentioned that Ryan looked you straight in the eyes before he left this world, and I feel that although he could not physically speak, that he was saying;
“don’t be sad Jason, I’m ok, I’m going to a better place, God is waiting for me and He will take care of me, thanks for always being there for me, and please, be there for mom, she’ll need you more then ever now, and I know, that one day, we’ll be together again”.
Be strong, and especially, be there for your mother.
My prayers are with you all, and I wish you Peace and Blessings.
Izaak
Jason, I can only hope that when I have to go to the other life and be with our lord
and saviour, I will be surrounded by such a loving family as you, your mother, and
your step father. May GOD bless all 3 of you and mend your hearts. That had to
put joy in Ryan’s heart for all of you to be with him at that crucial time. There is no easy way to go, but I know that helped him. My granddaughter died when she
was eight years old of a brain tumor, and as you know it was heartbreaking to our
whole family. We surrounded her with love, and the memories will be with us
forever. Treasure those memories and be thankful for having such a wonderful
loving brother and family. My heart is sad for your family, and I pray that GOD
bless all of you and give you peace and contentment.
Jason,
I’m so sorry about your loss.
That was very inspirational and touching. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
What a special tribute to a such a courageous little boy.
Stay strong…
Jason,
Like others above have mentioned, your story of Ryan’s last hours are an inspiration to everyone who reads them.
I am so glad you shared this story with us. I wish more internet marketers were as open and real as you are. It makes me really admire, respect, believe and wish you the most success in everything you do.
You, and your mom and stepdad, will be in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my sister at the age of 19 to a car accident, so yes, I do know, how it feels to lose a sibling, and how short our time on earth can be.
It is a reminder to all of us to cherish each day that we have with all of those important in our lives.
God bless you and your family, and may Ryan’s angel always be with you.
Laurie
Jason – Please accept our condolences for Ryan – I know you really cared for him. I’m glad you were able to be there during this special time. You and your family are in our prayers. We have a six year old, and your stories about Ryan really help us to appreciate every day we have with him. Let us know if there is anything we can do?
Jason, thank you for writing this. It really is a beautiful tribute to your little brother. We never met and you don’t know me at all, but you reached out and shared a lot of yourself. Thank you for the power you have and for your wisdom. I’m really sorry for Ryan’s passing, for your loss, and for the pain you went through and are still going through.
A beautiful, beautiful blog post – one I’ll likely never forget.
You gave a very moving tribute to your little brother… and incidentally he passed on, on the same day that’s my birthday.
(Out of interest do you believe in reincarnation in your religion? – In the ultimate continuation of life? Just curious).
Take care and all the best,
Luke
Sorry bro.
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. It’s wonderful that you’re handling it so well. I wish the best for you and your family.
Michelle
Jason,
You write so beautifully, and I’m sure Ryan has felt just as blessed to have a wonderful brother such as yourself in his life. My sincerest heartfelt blessings and warmest wishes are with you, your Mom and Ryan’s step Father.
Peace and love,
Hayley
Dear Jason,
What a treasure Ryan IS. (He’s still there with you, he’ll never leave your side because now HE is watching over you and your Mom and stepDad.)
I respect all religions and beliefs ( I am Roman Catholic), and thank you for telling us about the TILAKA.
And yes, those SNOWFLAKES WERE A MILLION ANGELS coming to bring Ryan to heaven.
Oh, how profoundly touching your tribute to your little brother is… !!!
Love and prayers, Nita Hontiveros-Lichauco, Philippines
Dear Jason,
Many tear-stained faces are reading your beautifully written tribute. Ryan gave and received so much love in his short life.
What a remarkable family you have, my friend.
Love and respect,
Mary Greene
I am so sorry for what happened to your brother Jason. I know that words can’t offer any way of getting rid of the pain right now – but you can be glad in your heart that you were with him at the end. That is something that everyone deserves – to leave this world surrounded by people who love them. I held both my grandpa’s hands when they died, and although it was so hard to do – I wouldn’t have left their side for the world.
Condolences to you and your family – keep your memories close in your heart, and your brother will never be gone.
Marie
Jason,
Thank you for share, it is a very hard moment an at the same time a glorious one.
My more sincere condolence.
Ignacio
Hi Jason,
I’m so sorry for your loss .. Ryan is indeed a special person! Take comfort
in knowing that he’s in a better place and stay strong!
Your mom and dad will need your support.
My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.
Adrian
I was just reading and enjoying one of your reports yesterday.
This comes as very sudden and sad news.
My deepest condolences on the passing of your dear brother.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Ivan
Hi Jason’
You and Ryan together, lovingly enriched your individual lives. Thanks for pulling back the curtains so we can share in the joy of such a rich relationship, even in this time of great loss.
My condolences to your entire close-knit family.
My heart especially goes out to your mother. No mother should suffer such a loss. Let me hastily add, however, that she is a truly blessed lady. It does a mother`s heart good to watch genuine love and respect at work between her sons. Yes Ryan is physically gone, but the priceless memories that you and Ryan created together will enliven her for years to come.
You are a very special young man Jason, both to your parents, and, to Jesus The Christ who let Himself be killed so that we can all experience God`s love fully.
May the grace of God empower you to triumphantly finish the tasks God wrote your name on, while you were still in your mother`s womb.
Peacefully Yours,
Martha Macni
housingplus@yahoo.com
Jason My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Doug
Jason,
Thank you so much for sharing your Brother’s story with us. I’m so sorry to hear of his passing, but am glad to see your positive attitude about it. You have a special gift and I’m extremely happy to see that you will continue to use your talents in memory of Ryan.
Bruce
Jason…
My condolences to you and your family.
Your brother is indeed a special and beautiful person – your tribute moved me to tears.
God Bless you and your family. Keep up the good work.
Regards,
Neil
Jason…
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I can tell that he was greatly loved by you and your family.
God Bless..
Joe Marsh
Jason my heartfelt condolences. I know that your brother is happy in his spiritual home. This was a very moving story that you’ve shared with us and I hope you feel the strength and love from all of us. Take care Jason..
Beautiful Tribute Jason. So sorry that you had to go through that, but so glad your appreciating the good rather than focusing on the loss. Hang in there and tell your mum to hang in there as well and your step dad. I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but I am sure you will all get through it and be 10 times stronger for it.
Regards,
Cori
Hi Jason,
Keep in the light.
All good thoughts.
Hang in there.
Call me if you want to talk.
Light and Love,
Dale
Jason, so sorry for your loss.
I doubt there’s anything I could say to make it better or easier at this time, but in time it will get better.
You will no doubt do great things in your life with the memory of your brother driving you forward. He’s in a better place now and cheering you on.
Eran
Jason and your family,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that through it you could still find strength and stay positive. It’s a very heart wrenching story. You’re a good guy. I’m sorry your brother had to go. I’m glad to hear it was painless and relatively peaceful. You have my deepest heartfelt sympathy. You also have my admiration, for being so strong.
I hope that all your hearts can heal and be joyful in time.
Jason
Very sorry for your lost Jason. Very happy for your brothers gain (heaven)
Dearest Jason and family
Blessings and heartfelt condolences to you all. Thanks for sharing the story of Ryan’s death with us all.
The realities and ‘stories’ of death and beyond are so important but often people don’t want or can’t hear them because of their own discomfort and fears. So even if people don’t respond straight away be assured that your story has touched them and will never be forgotten.
Love and peace to you all including dear Ryan of course.
Cynthia
So sorry to hear about your loss Jason, but very happy that you have such precious memories to cherish.
Kind regards
Kerrie
Condolences from me too Jason.
As you say it’s a delicate subject, but we humans need to be able to talk about death.
As sad as it was to hear about your brother passing away, it was also good to read about how strong an experience it can be taking part when someone passes away peacefully.
Oscar
God sends us angels in many forms, Jason, and we don’t often recognize them. He chose to send you a very obvious angel. What wonderful lessons he must have taught the people who loved him; what an undying legacy. You must feel so blessed.
Im so sorry for your loss Jason.
I was hoping against hope that the email I recieved from you today would never come …and there it was.
I have a six year old son…I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you all…and yet through it all you showed remarkable courage and optimism.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family Jason.
I have to say Jason that as inspiring a role model as you are as an internet marketer, your demonstration of love and support and positive attitude for Ryan & your family during what anyone would consider to be the most challenging time that any of us could face was even more of an inspiration for me.
All the best
Glenn
Jason,
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. It made me cry. I can’t even imagine what you and your family must be going through.
Ryan sounds like he was a very special person. I wish I could have known him. I feel like I knew him a little bit through you.
As horrible as it is to lose someone you love, I hope you will find some comfort in the manner in which he left, and in being so there for him when it happened.
You and your family are in my thoughts. Love to you all.
Rest in peace Ryan.
Hi Jason,
I’m sorry to hear about Ryan’s passing. Your post really shed light on Ryan’s character and fighting spirit.
I’m always amazed how someone can go through so many trials in life at such a young age, and greet every day with enthusiasm & wonder. It really is a lesson to the rest of us.
I’m unsure of what to write as I haven’t lost someone so close to me, but I send my sincere condolences to you and your family.
Sean
Jason
Hello Jason
roberto from germany
we talked about your brother several times.
I had tears in the eyes when I read your letter.
you did a good job being there.
the moments when you are sad they will come
but love never dies, so your brother is alive in you.
If you talk to Ryan in your dreams wish him power from me
Roberto
Jason, that was beautiful. Your Mom gave birth to two great kids. You painted a portrait here so vivid and so touching, that he will live on through your writing long after we’re all gone. Though I never met Ryan, I will never forget him.
Jeff
Hi Jason,
I’m sorry for the loss of your beloved brother Ryan. I used to work for the American Cancer Society and saw many children with brain cancer. They always left an imprint on my heart with their sheer life force and beautiful spirit.
Thank you for sharing his transition but also for celebrating his 8 wonderful years on this planet. A lot of times we focus on the death instead of celebrating the life so I honor you for celebrating your brother’s magnificent life and his peaceful passing.
God Bless You and Your Family.
Tammy
Jase,
Don’t know how to explain u my profond compassion in this kind of situation.
I’m literraly hitted by this story, but i’m also very happy that u handle this process so positively.
Peace to u’ll, u may be the best bro, dad and mom anyone ever had or dream of.
Rest in Peace Ryan.
Peace & Love.
Armel
God Bless You Jason and all your Family,
I’m 75 and wish there had been some way in which I could have changed places with Ryan, as I have no family, or friends left.
He was lucky in that he had people who loved him, cared for him and missed him, although I feel he will never really leave you, but watch over and care for you, from wherever he is.
One day, in the fullness of time, you will all walk together again, reunited in a far, far better place.
Love to you all,
Ray.
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother Jason. My prayers go out to you and your family.
Michael
Hi Jason,
I’m deeply saddened by the loss of your brother. You were both blessed to have experienced the love of each other as brothers during your life time. Condolesences to your family. Thank you for sharing and showing each of us what true unconditional love should look like.
Warmly and God Bless You and Your family.
Sunshine
Helo Jason,
I am truly sorry for the loss of your little brother. As a mother of an eight year old, I cannot begin to fathom the hurt you and your family are experiencing. You and your family will definitely be in my prayers tonight. God bless you.
-Wendy
Hi Jason,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Ryan has been born into a new life now and is free of all earthly limitations. Ryan is now enveloped in God’s love and comfort and is very happy. I’m sure he’ll be busy making new friends, exploring and playing in heaven until you’re both reunited again.
You’ve been an inspiration to all of us and I can only imagine what a good brother you have been and will always be to Ryan, in your heart. It’s not goodbye forever, it’s only “see you in a while” until God calls us home too. In the meantime, rejoice in knowing the love you gave Ryan is with him this very moment just as the love he has for you will always be with you.
Blessings and peacefulness to you and your family.
Ted
I send my heartfelt condolences to you and your family, Jason, along with an equally deep admiration for how you’ve chosen to process Ryan’s passing. It sounds as if he truly lived “the life of a flower”…
http://www.vervemusicgroup.com/artist/releases/default.aspx?pid=11549&aid=2686
…and that you are choosing to, as well. Mai iloko mai. (That which is within matters.)
Aloha,
Debi
Jason
You were a great strength to your little brother’s hour of need.
May Ryan attain Nibbhana!
My condolances to you and your family.
Nimal
Jason,
I’m so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I see God has been with you and your family in the most awesome way during this time. I pray that he continues to bring you strength. What wonderful memories you have of your time together with your brother!
Kathryn
Hi Jason:
Thank you for telling us about being with your bother when he went home. I will remember, and be comforted from your story for the rest of my life. Abundant blessings to you and your family Jason.
With much Aloha, Bob Sommers