A Tribute to My Brother Ryan, An Angel in Disguise
February 2, 2009 by fladlien
Filed under Uncategorized
My little brother Ryan passed on January 25th, at 6:55 am. I want to share with you his last few hours on earth because they were angelic, infused with love, and offered so much spiritual potency that I felt the deepest connection of love and God on this earth that I have ever experienced.
My brother was a very special little guy. I don’t think he was unhappy one day in his whole life – even after he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in July of 2008. And when it was time to go, he was prepared.
He went rather quickly. In fact, just three days before his death he went out to the grocery store, the toy store and other places. Because of chemotherapy, he couldn’t eat chocolate. Just last week I had eaten chocolate in front of him.
He had just gotten off of chemotherapy, and one of the things he wanted to do was to eat chocolate right in front of me!
I went down and seen his Friday. This was when he started to go down hill. He had mom call me earlier in the day because I wasn’t coming down until about 5 pm. He wanted me down sooner. I told him I’d come down earlier. Then mom called back and said “Ryan wants to know exactly when you’ll be down!”
He really wanted to see me. When I came down Friday, he was suffering a bit from headaches, but I figured it was just a minor illness and he’d get better. However, right before I got ready to leave, he got really sick. It was the first time my brother showed signs of losing his battle with cancer.
When he went to sleep, I left and cried for almost the whole 50 minute drive back home. I hated seeing him suffering.
Friday night before bed is when things got real bad for Ryan. He lost his ability to talk and swallow. However, his mind was 100% sharp, and he knew exactly what was going on around him.
I was planning on coming in early Saturday morning at 10 am, because that’s when the hospice nurse was coming. Again, we had no idea Ryan was going to go so quickly. When I got there and saw him, I immediately knew he was on his death bed.
It hurts seeing a child with so little energy that he could barely move. He couldn’t swallow, so all this phlegm was built up in his throat, and when he breathed it sounded like a coffee maker percolating. That sound haunted me for the first few hours.
The saddest part was that he couldn’t talk. He could only nod his head up and down for yes, or left and right for no. We asked if he was in pain. He shook his head no. The hospice nurse took his vital signs and they, too, indicated that he was without pain.
From the time I showed up at 10 am Saturday morning until he passed away early Sunday morning, I was right by his side. So was my mother and Ryan’s step father – he was surrounded by the three people he loved most in the world.
We took him to the hospital to get a line put in his arm, so we could administer his medication at home. A line is more permanent than an IV, you can keep it in for up to a year. We all hoped Ryan had at least another month or two, and was going to get better – but I know in the back of our minds we knew what was coming.
We took him home after the hospital and just sat there and talked to him, made his as comfortable as possible, and let him know we loved him and that whenever he was ready to go back home, it was alright with us. Suprisingly, Ryan still had a sense of humor.
I told mom that I would give him his medications through his line. I wanted her to be able to focus completely on him and giving him as much love and comfort as possible, so that’s why I stepped up. His medicine schedule was 7 pm, 1 am and 7 am.
Sometime after I gave him his medicines at 1 am, Ryan became very calm and relaxed, and looked completely at peace.
You could tell he wasn’t in pain. Nor was he in anxiety. This kid had made his peace with earth and was ready to go back home. I had been a monk for three years of my life, and I remember thinking as I watched him – he looks like a perfect yogi.
A perfect yogi is someone who is in complete control of their senses, to the point that they can decide when they want to leave their body. I had seen lots of picture of these yogis and had even met one before, and I noticed they all had a certain way about them… and Ryan had the same demeanor now.
The other interesting thing was Ryan had this black mark on his forehead. When he had brain surgery a few weeks back, they had to make marks for where to cut. Well, the mark on his forehead wouldn’t come off. And it was in an interesting shape – in the form of a tilaka.
In the spiritual path I followed, we used to decorate our bodies with a certain type of clay. We’d put a marking on our forehead, and this was called a tilaka. In one of the holy ancient Indian Vedic scriptures, it is said that someone who is decorated with the tilaka mark on their forehead at death goes directly to the highest of the spiritual worlds.
Ryan had the tilaka mark perfectly on his forehead.
My mother told me to go into the next room and take some rest so I would be fresh for giving Ryan his medicine at 7 am. So I managed to get about an hour or two of sleep. During that time, I had a dream where Ryan and I were walking up a mountain. I got to the top and looked back, and Ryan was running after me, laughing and with a big smile on his face.
I went into my brother’s room upon waking to talk to him a bit before giving him his medicine. My mom stepped out for a minute. You had to do that every so often or you’d drop from exhaustion. As soon as I came in, my brother started to go. It was like he had been waiting for me.
His step father was in the room with me, and he ran back out to get mom. For some reason, I was 100% calm. I grabbed Ryan’s hand and I told him I loved him and that it was okay for him to go back home, and that it was going to be alright, that everything was going to be alright. And I meant it, too!
He quit breathing. I was still holding his hand, and was looking him directly in the eyes. I told him I loved him and that everything was going to be alright over and over again.
His eyes moved momentarily and then locked directly on my own… he squeezed my hand… and then he passed on to the next world.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something. I look up out his window, and it had just began to snow. Big, half-dollar coin sized snow flakes, about two feet apart from each other. They looked like a million angels who were coming down to take Ryan home.
I looked back in Ryan’s now lifeless eyes and I noticed something else. For three weeks prior, Ryan’s left eye had slowly been going inward, and had become crossed. That’s one of the symptoms that’s associated with the type of tumor Ryan had.
Now, as I stared into his eyes, I noticed his eyes were perfectly straight.
I stepped back and looked at his body, and I could tell he went as peacefully as anyone could hope to go. He went as calm and as painless as anyone could go. And he was surrounded by the three people who loved him more than anything in the world, and whom he loved more than anything in the whole world.
Ryan was a very special boy. The way he left his body was so angelic, so beautiful, that it has held me together and kept me strong in this sad time.
We had Ryan’s pastor come in Saturday night when he was dying, and we all prayed. When she left, she told me she had never felt God’s presence so strongly before. Neither had I.
It is tragic to lose a loved one, especially a child. But I choose to be grateful for all that I have instead of be cross at what I don’t have. What I had was an angel in disguise for a brother. The most special person on this earth I have ever meant.
And if you ever get a chance to spend even one minute with such a special person, you’re very fortunate. I got 8 whole years – and I’m so grateful for it.
I love you Ryan.
-Jason Fladlien
I am deeply touched by this account and I fully understand why many people would not post a reply due to simply not knowing what to say.
I wasn’t with my father when he passed away and I have regretted that ever since. What I wanted to say to him that I should have said when he was with us will always be my deepest regret.
It was very heartening to know you were with him when he passed and this was very much acknowledged by such a brave little individual.
God bless you and your family.
Kind Regards,
Martin
Jason,
As beautiful as Ryan is, he has a beautiful big brother, too. Thank you for sharing your experience. It reminded me of the homegoing of my beloved sister, Kim.
“But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.”
I Thessalonians 4:13
You and your family are in my prayers.
Hello Jason,
my condolences …. i am still speechless…knew about your brother’s condition and was expecting that he will there for next couple of years…when i saw your email subject…i had tears in my eyes…i love kids a lot and i could feel the pain… god bless…let lord krishna give you enough strength to bear this…
Pavan
Jason, I’m so sorry for your loss, but it sounds like it was a beautiful passing. Ryan was fortunate to have you in his life, just as you were fortunate to have him in yours.
Hugs
Audrey
Jason, I”m so very sorry for your loss and that of your mother and step-father. It is always hard to let go, even for us folks that believe that we are here for reasons that most don’t believe.
Ryan achieved his purpose and returned to spirit form. And all that knew and loved him gained from knowing him while he was on earth.
I’m sure his transition was calm and peaceful because of your prayers and love. And I think he was lucky to have you as a brother who had already touched on the spirit world before. This had to help him to see that what was ahead was not something scary but something beautiful.
Thankfully you’ll always have those good memories of Disney World and how much enjoyment he got out of that.
Blessings to you and your family and may your mom have peace in knowing that her little boy is being well taken care of in the other world.
Joe
Hi Jason,
thank you so much for sharing your brother’s last days. I’m sitting here in tears!
How fortunate you both have been to have had each other, and what an uplifting example of the “passing” on to another dimension. I’m glad he wasn’t in pain, but sorry that he had to leave. He was such a trooper and inspiration! (and so are you).
And about responding so late… I’m sorry about that. I must not be on the same email list as everybody else — this was the first email I got about your brother’s getting much worse and passing. Please add me to the list I need to be on or let me know how I can add myself.
Blessings to you and your family.
Elisabeth
Thank you for sending out the email to let us know what had happened. I was so surprised to hear Ryan had moved on, as it sounded from prior messages like he really was soldiering on.
I’m glad to read in this blog, however painful and tear filled for the little guy, that his final moments here were loving, calm and dignified, surrounded by his family. It is some small mercy.
Blessings to you and your loved ones, from me and mine.
Helene
Jason,
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. You really documented his courage, humor and love for you all in the blog. He really seemed like a special and sweet kid as you said and was a fighter to the end. I’ve had the same experience as you with two people who were special in my life and although you hate to see them go, it is best because of the pain they are experiencing and usually their quality of life is not what it used to be.
I’m glad you were able to make it home and be with Ryan and your mom. That in itself was very thoughtful and loving especially how you took care of your brother to allow your mom more time with him.
You have really allowed your subscribers etc. to not only get to know you through your videos and emails but allowing us a peak into the special man you have become. I appreciate your openness and you sharing your loss. I’m sure your mom is appreciative of your strength and commitment at a time she really needed you.
You are a good man, Jason. Take care of yourself and know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
Very sorry to hear this news about young Ryan. My heart goes out to you Jason, and to your mom, and to all your family and friends who were blessed to by touched by Ryan’s life.
My prayer for all of you who Ryan left behind is that you are able to find the same peace and tranquility of spirit that Ryan seemed to have in his life and beyond.
Rest in peace Ryan.
Jason,
I’m sorry to hear your brother lost his battle with cancer. I hope you & your family continue to feel the God’s presence in this time. I also pray that God comforts everyone dealing with Ryan’s loss. Your post was very heart felt & moving. Ryan seems like he was such an inspiration.
I think many times people are not sure what to say in a situation like this & don’t say anything. It’s tough to come up with the right words, but I’ve learned over time that any words of comfort are appreciated. So, if anyone is reading this & not sure what to say… just jott down a quick note of condolence. It will be appreciated.
Thanks for sharing this Jason,
Keith
Dear Jason (and your Parents),
May God give you the comfort and solace that you each need to endure the painful loss of your precious little brother and son. Losing a child has got to be the absolute depths of painful events in our existence, even when we know they are going to be with Jesus. The younger they are, the harder it is to understand and accept.
Your spiritual training will help your parents immensely, I’m sure… as will your wonderful way of living your life. May God help you, as he helps you to help them deal with their grief, the inevitable anger and pain of losing a son, and the comfort and strength to go on, cherishing every memory of their littlest angel.
Even when I was practicing as a nurse, I found death very difficult to go through with my patients and their family members. It became even more clear that having loved ones close by is vitally important for that final transition of crossing over into the light, and it’s my own heartfelt wish to have someone who loves me to be holding my own hand when that moment comes.
Your little brother was very fortunate to have had you and to have had parents who loved him so very dearly. Some day, it will be a little easier to talk about what you’ve all been through, and to know that he’s watching over each of you and is smiling, laughing, jumping and playing in total health on the other side.
I think I told you already that I had a near death experience way back in 1971, and I was privileged to FEEL the incredible peace that you can only feel when you’re dying or have already left your earthly body. It was the most beautiful feeling I have ever, ever felt, and nothing on this Earth compares. Being that close to God is simply indescribably wonderful.
May our Father give each of you the comfort and peace you need to endure these painful days… and ultimately rejoice in the beautiful memories he left with you all.
Blessings and Love to you,
Donna
I too have shared a loved one’s last moments, it’s something that words can never describe.
My thoughts are with you Jason – and your family.
Stay strong.
David
Jason,
As soon as I read your subject line I started to cry. As beautiful as your story was
to read it was very painful.
I don’t know what it’s like to lose a brother, but I do understand what it’s
like to lose a child. My eighteen year old son died in a motorcycle accident
in March of 2002.
Most of the people reading this are probably thinking 2002! That was 7 years ago,
get over it, get on with your life already. They have no idea and I hope they never do.
Jason, not only did you lose a brother, but your mom lost a son. She carried him for 9 months, she brought him into this world. She mothered him and nursed him during his illness.
Based on my experience of working with parents that have lost children this is normally very hard on a mother and it’s something parents never get over. They just learn how to live with the pain.
Your mother is in shock right now, I know you may not think so but she is and will be for quite a while. She needs people in her life that are willing to talk to her about Ryan and his life and their memories of him. She needs real friends.
She needs lots of love, hugs, and comfort. If you can, be there with her and for her as much as you can.
In about 12 weeks I would strongly recommend you find a support group in your area called “Compassionate Friends” it’s a support group specifically for parents that have lost children. She has to be able to talk to other people that have lost children and gone through this. They get it.
She needs to stay away from people that tell her, Ryan’s in a better place or God has another angle. When you have lost a child you don’t want to hear that. And most people say stupid things because they don’t know what to say. Those stupid things start to make you so mad you don’t even want to go out to the grocery store.
Parent’s don’t want their children in heaven before they are there, they want their
kids with them, here on earth.
Jason, I am deeply sorry for your loss, help your mom and giver her a big hug from someone that feels her pain.
Jason,
I’m very glad to have known your brother, through you. Although I’ve never had anyone close to me pass, I feel as though I can handle it now because you have prepared me.
Many more blessings upon you, friend.
Peggy
Hey Jason,
Tears of joy and sadness for you and your family. Blessings…and peace to you.
Cheryl
I am touched by the event. Contrary to what is popularly taught from Christian pulpits, the Bible teaches that at death, those who have gone to sleep are not in a mystical, otherworldy realm of ethereal bliss, but are simply sleeping, unconscious, unaware, until the law coming of the Lifegiver, who will call all to Life at the second coming or, if they were not covered by the Christ’s robe of perfect righteousness, they will awake at the third coming. The third coming takes place AFTER the millennium, during which those who arose at the second coming participate with Christ in a work of judgment on those who will rise at the third coming. The teaching of life after death is the foundation stone of the archdeceiver, the enemy of all mankind. His work consists in deceiving the living. Some he deceives by making it appear that all men have salvation assured through the merits of their own good works, others he deceives into hatred of God through the popular –but unscriptural–teaching of an eternal torment in hell. In all solidarity with your hidden but very real feelings of bereavement — after all we are mortals who love and feel — I would pray that your innocent little brother’s soul may rest in the Merciful Compassion of the Savior. A man once said he would find three astonishments in heaven. First he would be shocked to find that some who he assumed would be there would not be found there, second he would marvel at knowing that some who in his imperfect human judgment he had written off as unworthy of heaven would actually be there, and third he would weep tears of joy over God’s mercy that he himself, an unworthy sinner, would be found there.
Spiritualism, the teaching of man’s immortality, is as old as mankind. It is a satanic deception. The dead are, mercifully, sleeping. What comfort would it be to them if they lived immediately after death only to contemplate our heartbreak and sorrows here on earth. The living, the living knows that he will die. And so he goes about serving his Master, Jesus the Christ.
My Condolences and warmest sympathies to you and your dear mother, Jason. Only heaven knows the feelings of parents at seeing their young ones pass. It is so unnatural. Another effect of the curse of sin. But Jesus understands and cares.
Thanks for sharing that Jason. What a beautiful tribute to your little brother.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tim
Jason,
Jesus loves all children and I’m sure received Ryan with open arms. You will see him again!
“For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).
Jason,
I’m so sorry for your loss. The death of a child (or younger brother) is almost unimaginable to me. Although extrodinarily difficult, it sounds like you are handling it the best way possible by being greatful for the time you had with him rather than resentful because he was taken away far too soon.
I’m glad that you got to be there with him and that it was peaceful. I wish there was something I could do for you because you (your article writing course) have done so much for me.
Hey Jason,
I am very sorry for your loss. Ryan was an earth angel and as an earth angel they can only stay around for a little while til they have to go home. You were definately blessed and I am sure that explains all your good fortune that has been disquised as resolute persistence and undaughting faith. May you and your family find solace and peace.
Blessings,
Bart
Sorry to hear your brother passed away, Jason
Makes me sad.
My condolences to you and your family,
Stefan
Jason,
Times like these are most difficult. I for one appreciate you sharing your story. I’m honored to learn about Ryan and what a great person he was. I can only imagine how tough this post was for you to write but I truly appreciate you sharing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ryan and the rest of your family.
Drew
I am sorry for your loss. I send my condolences to your family. Stay strong and thanks for reminding us what’s really important in life.
Regards,
Frank
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband about a year ago and, like you, I don’t feel angry or cross about what I don’t have, but rather I feel blessed and fortunate for having what I did have with him and that he was a big part of my life for 7 years. Death can teach us so much if we open our minds to it, rather than run away from it.
After my husband died I felt a warm presence on my back side for about a week. It was very comforting and I’m sure it was him. I know he’s still around me, and I’m sure Ryan’s spirit will be with you always.
Take care.
Jason,
I don’t know what to say. I feel your pain, and I believe what you experienced in those final moments was very special to you and your family, and most importantly, I kinda get the feeling that the creator Himself was there with you to deliver a poignant message that not only you will benefit from but us as well. Thank you for sharing this with us.
God bless,
Anthony
Jason,
I am so sorry to hear about your brother! Heaven must be a wonderful place right now with him up there – everything you have shared with us about your brother shows that he was a remarkable young man. Through your words, he touched so many people’s lives. So, thank you for letting us see a glimpse of his strength, courage and love. We are all better for it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please tell your mom and step father that there are many prayers being sent their way. Your family’s extraordinary love for your brother was so evident, and that transcends all else – I know your brother is carrying that love with him to a better place.
Take care,
April
Jason,
thanks for sharing about your brother. Your description of your brother and his passing is very moving. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family strength in the coming days and months.
Peace,
Kelly
January 25th is my mom’s birthday. I delivered a funeral message for her mom recently. I choose John 11 to share. It is comforting to know that there is One who has the power over death.
Praying for you and your family, Jason.
I’m in tears. Thanks for sharing. I’ll pray for all of you.
My prayers are with Ryan, you and your family. Find comfort knowing that Ryan is in the Kingdom of Heaven in the loving care of God right now.
John
Hi Jason…I’ve been following your updates on Ryan for a long time, so this really floored me. I’m really glad you got to be close to him throughout this whole thing, and I’m glad you shared this remembrance with us…it was very moving, and helps me to appreciate the good things in life. Take care, my friend.
That was a beautiful touching story and it helps to know that he went peacefully and without pain. My condolences…
Our families prayers are with you and yours.
I was not fortunate enough to know Ryan, but I silently cried at my desk today. For some unknown reason your family and friends were blessed with only a short time with Ryan on this earth, though I suspect he flapped his little wings and impacted a much larger group of people….I know he touched me.
I couldn’t help but think of my children when I read about your brother.
Wish I had something more comforting to share… May God Bless you and I have no doubt that Ryan is looking down on you and smiling.
Ken H
Jason – I am so very sorry to hear of your brother’s passing. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, your mom, and family. Losing a child is the worst. You are wise to celebrate his life. Yes, you were fortunate to have your dear brother for 8 years and he was fortunate to have you as his older brother. Please tell your mom that even though she doesn’t know me, as a mother myself, my heart goes out to her.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Oh Jason. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I remember when you first wrote about your brother getting sick. I prayed for him.
I am so, so sorry to hear that he has left this world. He sounds like he was such a special person. And you tell your mom that I said that you sound special too.
May God console you and may you and your family never, every experience such sorrow again.
Your friend in Israel
Dena
What a beautiful tribute to your brother, Jason, thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry Ryan didn’t get a proper time on this planet to share his special personality, but it’s obvious that he’s left a big impact on you, Jason, and you’ll carry the torch for him. My prayers for Ryan and your entire family.
Thank you for sharing that story Jason. You know, the way you told the story doesn’t make me feel sad, it makes me feel good! I feel blessed that you were willing to open up to us and to teach us how to be present in any situation.
I’m going to share your story with my wife and friends as a tribute to Ryan and your family. You are both an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing your life with me.
My heartfelt condolence Jason…. May God give you and the family peace and strength.
I am sorry about your loss Jason. Ryan’s life reminds me of the book the Brothers Lionheart by Astrid Lindgren. It is a story of two brothers, the younger one is suffering from a terrible illness, while the older brother gives his best to fill his days with more sunshine.
I am sure Ryan is in a magical place somewhere now, running and laughing in his healthy body, waiting for the day you will be together again.
Yavor
Very touching. I read this at work and it really moved you. Your brother was very special as are you. A great spirit like his does live on.
Dude,
Thanks for sharing this account of your experience with your brother. Most touching… Also, thanks for serving as an example of strength in such moments. Very few people know how to handle the process of someone passing away, and you provided magnificient details of how noble the moment is.
I’m with you bro. Send my condolances to your Mom.
Love always,
Martin
Jason,
I am so sad for your family — but what an amazing child! This is such an eloquent memorial for him. Times will be hard, even though you know that he was an angel in disguise. I pray that you all are able to stay strong and smile over the memories you all share together.
Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to share a little bit of your brother’s spirit — he is a true blessing that God allowed to be with us for a short time. Some children really are too good for this world.
Jason -
I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss. Hugs for you and your family. I too have lost someone to brain cancer and understand what you’re going through.
Please keep us informed of the work you’re doing in Ryan’s name. Any way I can help, please let me know. It’s important.
And yes…his spirit lives on.
Hi Jason,
I am sorry to hear about your brother.
I lost my niece when she was six years old.
It can be hard as it is not supposed to be this way, when a mother or brother loses a child ….
Only the good pass away young ….
I think your brother would have wanted you to know that he could not have wished for a better family than the one he had ….
You must keep strong, and don’t give up … and be there for your mom.
WIshing that this was not the topic for my first post on your blog…
It is at times like this I read the ‘Footprints in the sand’
It gives me comfort and might do you..
God Bless
Tommy
Jason, thanks for sharing Ryan’s story with us over the past few months. That was a lovely tribute.
Best wishes to you and your family,
Matt
Great post, thanks for sharing Jason. Stay strong, wish you the best.
Andrew
Hey Jason, it would help if you told your list about this URL. I’m sure lots of them would appreciate this post. You must have broadcasted it only to one sublist, like you did that other time.
You have such a great attitude about all this. Your brother dying of cancer is something that sucks big time, you turned it into a pretty motivational story.
Thanks for your responses. I was hoping more people would post responses, so I could show my mother, but it is a delicate subject no doubt. I plan on doing great things in Ryan’s name so his spirit will live on.
-Jason
Condolences, Jason. Be brave and strong.
Only this evening I was discussing your work, How to turn one article into seven with my friend in a coffee shop. I told him it takes an ex-monk to unlock the code to successful article writing.
Keep up the good work.
Yes, your brother was an angel, an angel still! On a staircase of snowflakes, he flew to his final resting abode till you meet again.
Prayers & Hugs,
+Faith